konstant | . .. IC Contact

konstant

You've reached the electronic inbox of KD6-3.7.

Leave your pertinent details and I will return contact as soon as possible.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only | Expand All

From:

hippie_ninja

Dreams are taboo territory for a lot of people, especially people Jesus knows. But recurring ones, he's always believed, can point to things if you're willing to untangle them. K seems to want that.

"What happens?"

From:

konstant

"It's not what happens. It's... I don't know if it's a memory. It's supposed to be impossible. Rumors."

Did they keep you in a drawer when they were building you? Dark.

And right there in his baseline script even though he agrees: it's impossible.

"When they're building us, they pull us off the line, store us on hangers. Ship us in boxes, in wrappers, when we're paid for, then install the software. Everything that makes us distinct. It's not possible for us to remember anything before we're brought online. But when I have a bad dream it's dark, and it's close, and I can't breathe, and I'm alone."

From:

hippie_ninja

In one sense, it doesn't matter if it's a real memory or not. It's affecting K the same way a memory would.

K describes a particularly horrible iteration of dreams Jesus himself has had: being alone and trapped, moved around with no way to move himself. Being completely at the mercy of indifferent forces he could never hope to stop. And given what he knows about K... He'd be surprised if someone as compassionate as K didn't have those fears.

It doesn't make it any less terrible.

"You've had that dream before you came here?"

From:

konstant

He nods, and convinces himself to relax his grip on the side of the bed finger by finger, muscle by muscle.

He's shivering again, faintly, but constant.

"And when I try to remember details about what happened. I think... He put me there somehow. This time." He doesn't try to explain the previous times he's had that dream.

From:

hippie_ninja

"You don't have to remember the details." In fact he might be better off without them. God knows no one survives by remembering every scare and every drop of blood, every nearly missed fatal moment. "Not if you can keep yourself centered here instead."

From:

konstant

"I'm missing days. Worrying people." Jesus said he didn't answer the door before, and there are messages on his phone he hasn't been able to answer; he's not good at answering any questions right now.

"I'm sorry."

From:

hippie_ninja

"You can explain to them when you feel better." Anyone who worries will just be glad to know he came through healthy. Anyone who doesn't make allowances for illness doesn't know how lucky they are.

"Just think about where you are right now. Our food is going to be here soon," he glances at the window but the shades are drawn. "And it might help."

From:

konstant

Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. Maybe he'll feel better or maybe he'll break down from here. He doesn't know.

He reaches behind him and pulls the blanket back up around his shoulders, tries to settle it there and think of something to say to that.

"I'm glad you're here."

From:

hippie_ninja

"I can stay the night if you want." He won't even be breaking a law if he does. And if K allows it, maybe Jesus being here will help him rest a little easier.

He gets up when the food arrives, limping slightly and only too glad to come sit again. "I'm glad we're staying in."

From:

konstant

K does want him to, he knows the moment he hears it. He still feels bad about it but he says, "Orla moved out."

The bed on the other side of the room, if nothing else, is open.

But he watches Jesus walking, focusing like he'd said on the here and now, flinching back from the light but settling again by the time he says, "You are hurt."

From:

hippie_ninja

"The Dom was rougher with me than I'm used to." He gestures vaguely at his face. "He couldn't get me to fight him. So the sex was about punishment, too. I'll be okay."

But he does need time to recover, and not just physically.

From:

konstant

K is still watching him as he settles, his eyes soft but steady, expression troubled.

He wants to say more. He can see that Jesus is placating him even if he does also believe what he's saying, and he doesn't want that; but he doesn't know how to ask for that either, so he stays silent and looks down at his hands in his lap where he's pushed back to bring his heels up onto the bed too.

Finally, quietly, "It would be okay if you're not."

From:

hippie_ninja

He's not sure that's true. The options are simply be okay, or you don't survive.

Except here where even if you die, you don't die. It opens up a disturbing new arena he doesn't want to think about.

He gives K a small, wavering smile that doesn't last long. "I'm not."

Right now, then. Right now he's not okay.

From:

konstant

His expression softens further, aching for his friend. He doesn't need him to talk about it, not really, not if he doesn't want to or can't. K can see everything he needs to see in a glance.

He reaches over to the blankets beside him. The bed is unmade, already slept in, so pulling the covers aside to make room isn't quite as clearcut as the gesture would be on a made bed, but he makes it all the same in invitation.

From:

hippie_ninja

He takes off his boots (he should have earlier he thinks, chiding himself; these are the boots he was brought here with) and his jacket, and even though he doesn't want to be touched he climbs in with K because he isn't going to let anything ruin this comfort for him.

From:

konstant

K doesn't want to be touched either, but he doesn't mind being close. He wants someone here, wants to not be alone.

Wants, if it at all can, for that to go both ways.

"I'd like it if you stayed tonight, at least," he murmurs. "I'm glad you came. I'm sorry you had to."

From:

hippie_ninja

"When I didn't hear from you I worried you'd disappeared. Or been taken in by SIN guards." Or worse, ever worse. "I'm still sorry I broke in."

From:

konstant

K shakes his head, slowly and shallowly but he does, until he realizes he can't guarantee any of those things. He has no idea where he was, or how he got from the Up to the bathroom here. Why he was naked, why his clothes were clean and folded on the bed, how he healed, why light burns.

Problems for later. He's here, Jesus is here, and he must admit: "I don't care about the door." There's a pack of cigarettes on the nightstand too; he pulls one, starts to offer the pack to Jesus but remembers and stops. "I'll get you a key."

From:

hippie_ninja

He sees the lighter and picks it up, offers to light K's smoke.

"Then you'll never know when I'm going to drop in."

From:

konstant

"I already don't, apparently," he points out, but there's no ire in it.

"At least with a key I'm less likely to point a loaded firearm at you."

From:

hippie_ninja

Just to be sure- "You still want to spend nights together? At both our places?"

Even though it's breaking the law, and even though...

He doesn't know where he got the idea K would change his mind. He chalks it up to some emotional bruising from the Zoo, which has nothing to do with K, but he asks for the reassurance anyway.

From:

konstant

K hasn't been sure of much since coming back to the world here, but this one is easy as long as he focuses on what he wants and not what the new laws are that they are beholden to.

He nods, craning his neck so he can peer sidelong at Jesus, so he can see his face when he asks, "Do you?" He'd understand if not, he means.

He'd understand if this one taste was enough for Jesus even though he says he'll be okay.

From:

hippie_ninja

"Yes." More than before, more than usual, he doesn't want to be alone. He wants his people.

So he leaves it at that. K can see for himself how bad it was, he can choose the risk or not.

From:

konstant

If someone or something came down hard enough on K's instinct to obedience right now he might disappoint them both. But there's no one else here, no one else demanding anything of him, so K can just do what it is he most wants.

And what he wants is this, so he nods, and takes a slow draw off the cigarette, blowing the smoke away from Jesus.

"Do you want Orla's bed? Or we can bring the pillow and blankets over here."

From:

hippie_ninja

"I don't know." He doesn't trust what he wants right now, because what he wants is to recoil and nurse his wounds. But he knows how that goes: he knows how once you start cutting yourself off, it's harder every day to come back. He won't let himself do it.

So that's his answer, he supposes. "Where do you want me?"