. .. IC Contact | Duplicity .. .

[konstant]

                                                                 

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[hippie_ninja]

He reaches up instead to stop Nibbles from batting at Mango through the slats. It gives K a little more distance.

"I just want your thoughts. What are you thinking right now?"

[konstant]

Just thoughts. It's a dangerous question, at least when the thoughts K is having are personal - when they might go against what he believes is expected from him. Jesus is upset that K is upset, and he wants to reconcile it; the more he pushes though, the more K wants to push away in turn. The more the distress sinks in deeper, makes what thoughts he does try to string together disjointed.

K doesn't want Jesus to be upset either though, so he curls his fingers into his shirt and tries, even though it feels like the worst thing he can do.

"I don't like it. I don't like thinking about it, I don't like seeing it, I don't like worrying what happens if you're wrong and there's more to it than you think. I don't like that you're asking me what I think about it knowing both that there's no way I can like it, and that I don't expect that to change anything. Vrenille is trustworthy. You both enjoy it. It's different for you and it's between you. So - I don't know."

[hippie_ninja]

"It's between us." And he doesn't need K to like it. Jesus likes it; Vrenille does; that's ultimately what decides if it continues, so it will.

Just not around K.

"It's hard for you, isn't it? Knowing that we care enough about what you think to adjust what we do in public."

[konstant]

"Do you know what happens to replicants who care too much about the wrong things? Who care in opposing directions from humans?"

Everyone here tells him it doesn't matter that he's a replicant. That he's as real as he needs to be.

An entire life is harder to change, though.

[hippie_ninja]

"They'd retire you." Using K's word, which is such a soft word for what it really is. He almost said the other word, the real one, execute. But he wants K to keep talking and he wants to understand on K's terms.

[konstant]

Is there anything in your body that wants to resist the system?

"I'm already - so far out of bounds." It feels like something pulled up out of him, not with the violence of ripping but deeply seated, painful, hardwon nonetheless. You don't look like you on the inside - miles off your baseline.

"And I know. I know. It doesn't matter here, none of it is supposed to matter here, I know. But it does. So yes, it's hard. But we were doing okay, weren't we? Things were okay. Things were good. Are good."

Is there security in being a part of the system?

[hippie_ninja]

"We're still okay," he says, facing K directly again, looking up into his eyes.

He knows there's no way to talk K into believing that he isn't expected to answer a certain way. He knows there's no making up for the years of real ownership K went through.

"We're okay. This isn't me wanting to change us. This is me wanting to make sure that I- respect you. And how you feel when I'm around you."

[konstant]

Jesus faces him squarely; K searches his face, still caught firmly in that contradiction of not expecting to find anything dishonest there but also unable to believe what he's being told.

He says they're still okay and K's breath feels tight in his chest, in his throat. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know what will happen next, what this will turn into, doesn't know anything - but Jesus says they're still okay.

Maybe he doesn't need to understand how. "System," he murmurs like he does sometimes, not to Jesus or anyone really, just a verbal touchstone before he shakes his head.

"I'm sorry."

[hippie_ninja]

"Why are you sorry?" Jesus is the one who brought this up. Jesus is the one pushing, despite his own habits.

K is right; he could have just left this alone. Despite it all he's glad he hasn't.

"What does 'system' mean?"

[konstant]

The second question is much easier to answer than the first; it's familiar, known, like a steel beam hidden in the walls holding up the entire building around it.

"Baseline," he answers, low, soft, but more sure of himself than the rest of what he's been saying. "What does it feel like to be part of the system, feel it in your body, the system, do you get pleasure out of being part of the system, have they created you, is there security, is there a sound that comes with the system, is there anything in your body that wants to resist the system."

He rattles it all off in one long breath, calm, certain, by rote. System. Answer the question - which just leaves the other question, and that one is much harder.

"I'm sorry that I don't know better what to do."

[hippie_ninja]

"You're talking to me." even though he knows it's hard, even though he knows it goes against some clearly deeply embedded rules in K's mind.

"That's all I want is to talk this out. I just want to understand, and be understood. And maybe we won't get there today."

[konstant]

"It feels like a hologram," he says abruptly, realizing - remembering - that Jesus has seen the kinds of realistic displays of entirely fabricated people and animals and phenomena his city has to offer.

"I hear you, I believe you, it seems like something I could lean weight into - but like if I try, I'll go right through."

[hippie_ninja]

"I think that's something only time can change. You have to see it's real first." And even then maybe not. There are things Jesus knows he should be able to trust, and had simply never been able to.

"Give me a chance to prove it?"

[konstant]

A chance to prove something is a chance to have it used against him, too; a chance for Jesus to be right is a chance for K to be right, too. Sometimes the things Jesus has offered to teach K - to help K with - have been easy to agree to, but not this.

Still, he hasn't regretted anything he's left in Jesus's hands. He nods.

[hippie_ninja]

That's all he can really hope for. A chance; that's all he needs. "And if it comes up with Vrenille...hear what he has to say about it. His side of it. Okay?"

[konstant]

Vrenille. K hasn't forgotten, of course - it's a full half of the reason they're even having a conversation, that K hung around this long to have it - but he frowns faintly for a moment.

Then he nods again.

[hippie_ninja]

He nods, too, and steps away, goes and sits back down. "Are you okay?"

[konstant]

Mango, still trying to reach Nibbles through the door, finally barks sharply for the first time and K says her name, not sharp but firm. She drops to her stomach on the stairs, still with her nose pressed against the door, but doesn't bark again.

"What's okay?" he asks Jesus, sounding resigned, but he moves over to the chair he would have sat in if they'd just eaten instead, unfolding his arms so his hands are resting on the back of it. "I've just never... done any of this."

[hippie_ninja]

"I know." He's never done a lot of things with other people, least of all those who care about him.

"If it helps, your doing everything right."

[konstant]

It does help, he finds. The subject of trust is difficult and complex, and he's still learning where it holds strong and where it falls through regardless, but following Jesus's lead has been a good decision so far. It means he can accept the assurance from him now and whatever part of him looks to others for guidance can hear it. Can believe it.

He breathes a moment, testing that it will hold, and finally his lips quirk faintly when he looks up to meet Jesus's eyes.

"It does. I trust you." Jesus is doing things right, too.

[hippie_ninja]

He exhales a bit of tension and nods. Okay, good.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. But I'd like it if you stayed. If you want. The food really isn't that bad if you're hungry."

[konstant]

"The food smells great," he says, and it's not anything fancy, others might think K was being facetious, but he means it. It's a wonder for Jesus to have fresh vegetables in winter. It's a wonder for K to have vegetables, pasta, and water at all, and he's mindful of that always.

He sits down and pulls his own plate closer, but doesn't pick up his fork yet.

"I have something I should have told you sooner too."

[hippie_ninja]

He eats, if only to show K that it's okay now, the tension has passed. It's safe to eat.

"What is it?"

[konstant]

It's safe to eat and K is already shifting a piece of broccoli with his fingers like he typically does when investigating new foods or new versions of food, but he doesn't take any bites.

"Do you remember me mentioning deactivation as a means to control some models of replicant?"

[hippie_ninja]

"Yes," he says, frowning, already not liking where this is going.