"It was a piece of paper that took me away from my mom. It was always papers that got me sent to homes that didn't want me. I don't trust the papers here to protect me the way they say they will. But I don't have a good alternative to going along with it here."
K is quiet then. He doesn't want to hurt Jesus, not really, that's not the kind of anger he has in him just now. Not that it was before, either. It's just not in him naturally.
And what he has to say to that is, or feels like, such a big risk to him. Not to anyone else necessarily, but there are still old habits that have clamped down hard. Old fears that don't stop just because he can tell someone else that he understands they're obsolete.
He cards his fingers just once through the ends of Jesus's hair, then touches his shoulder, light, so he'll have warning when K starts to shift back again.
"Drake is fine. None of this has anything to do with Drake."
Drake has done everything he promised, and K had been hoping to have plenty of time to just try to adjust and see the shape of how life could be, the way everyone keeps insisting it can be.
"If it were rational, there wouldn't be a problem. But it's not, and I - when all the rest of it wasn't enough on its own, I'd come back to what you said. To not being alone in it." K doesn't talk half as much as other people, but when he does it's in more or less smooth, complete thoughts. This is anything but. This is halting and hesitant and just shy of disjointed.
All because of this: "That was... so important to me."
"That I won't actually leave you." He turns, restless in a way he has never felt before. He wants to move, to run, but not to run anywhere that takes him away from K.
It's the restlessness that has K watching Jesus now, stepping back as if that can ease some of the pressure, can help Jesus feel comfortable staying.
He wishes it didn't. He wishes he knew how to make whatever catches and holds in his chest listen to his thoughts, but he doesn't, so he waits and he watches and he does his best to believe what Jesus is saying over everything else.
Even if K were inclined to be around anyone right now, it would be hard to ask Jesus for anything when he's already working so hard to rein himself in. He waits though, and he gives the question a three count before he answers.
"I will," he promises. He doesn't no when it will be, what he'll have to say, or what it even looks like at this point, but he can promise that much anyway.
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And what he has to say to that is, or feels like, such a big risk to him. Not to anyone else necessarily, but there are still old habits that have clamped down hard. Old fears that don't stop just because he can tell someone else that he understands they're obsolete.
He cards his fingers just once through the ends of Jesus's hair, then touches his shoulder, light, so he'll have warning when K starts to shift back again.
"It's the contract that bothers me most, Jesus."
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But clearly he doesn't know how to help with his own issues.
"It doesn't help that you aren't being treated like property by Drake?"
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Drake has done everything he promised, and K had been hoping to have plenty of time to just try to adjust and see the shape of how life could be, the way everyone keeps insisting it can be.
"If it were rational, there wouldn't be a problem. But it's not, and I - when all the rest of it wasn't enough on its own, I'd come back to what you said. To not being alone in it." K doesn't talk half as much as other people, but when he does it's in more or less smooth, complete thoughts. This is anything but. This is halting and hesitant and just shy of disjointed.
All because of this: "That was... so important to me."
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"Please let me prove myself to you."
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"It's not as though I'd ask you to stay in a contract you didn't feel comfortable in anymore, either."
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He wishes it didn't. He wishes he knew how to make whatever catches and holds in his chest listen to his thoughts, but he doesn't, so he waits and he watches and he does his best to believe what Jesus is saying over everything else.
"Okay," he tries.
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Jesus only paces a little before he steadies himself and looks back at K. "What do you need right now?"
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"I need some time to think," he says, soberly.
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It feels better to say than 'goodbye', though he's aware that might well be what this is. And then he's gone.